


Iron-Clad Secret Identity

by cattyk8



Series: Everybody Loves Bruce [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily (DCU) Feels, Batfamily Social Media (DCU), Bruce Wayne is Batman, Bruce Wayne is Not Batman, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Cinnamon Roll Bruce Wayne, Do the butts match?, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Image Heavy, Justice League chat, Multimedia Fic, Not unreadable on mobile just inconvenient, Secret Identity, Social Media, Twitter, Very minor SuperBat, chat fic, not mobile friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23961145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cattyk8/pseuds/cattyk8
Summary: OfcourseBruce Wayne isn’t Batman! Why not? Because he says so!Note: This is a Twitter/chat/multimedia fic—so it’s not mobile-friendly. You may want to read on a computer.
Relationships: Bat Family & Bruce Wayne, Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Implied Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne, Justice League & Bruce Wayne
Series: Everybody Loves Bruce [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727503
Comments: 176
Kudos: 1619
Collections: Best of the Batfamily





	Iron-Clad Secret Identity

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Gotham's Favorite Son](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7871041) by [Unpretty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unpretty/pseuds/Unpretty). 



> I am experimenting with work skins, but am a noob, so please let me know if you run into any problems, apart from the few spacing bugs I am already aware of and can’t figure out (and if you have advice, feel free to share)!
> 
> Also, this fic was loosely inspired by several other social media and cinnamon-roll-Bruce-Wayne fics I've seen around the fandom. My most favorite on here is the stuff in [Unpretty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unpretty/pseuds/Unpretty)’s epic series, “[Sorrowful and Immaculate Hearts](https://archiveofourown.org/series/440926).” And I also wholeheartedly recommend [TextsFromSuperheroes.com](https://textsfromsuperheroes.com).

* * *

Gotham Gazette✔  
@GothamGazette

Our very own @VickiVale asks the question on everyone’s minds during last night’s @VeryLateShow: Is billionaire @BruceWayne Gotham’s #Batman? gcn.com/the-late-show-... #VeryLateShow

❤ 356K 7:35 AM • April 18

572K people are talking about this

* * *

**_[Video starts, a clip from the Very Late Show Starring Vicki Vale with Bruce Wayne as featured guest.]_**

Vicki: So, Bruce, we’ve talked about your charity work, and how much good you’ve been doing for Gotham…

Bruce (looking bashful): It’s only continuing the vision my parents had for the city. They always taught me that I’m extraordinarily privileged to have been born into these circumstances, and that only gives us not just the means, but the responsibility, to do more for people who can afford less.

Vicki: Amazing. Isn’t he amazing, ladies? Gentlemen? But back to my point, there’s another man who’s been reforming Gotham with his vision in the past several years…

Bruce: I agree, Commissioner Gordon has been doing a spectacular job. 

Vicki: Now, Bruce… You know I was talking about Batman.

Bruce (frowning): Batman?

Vicki (leaning forward): Yes! So tell us… Are you?

Bruce (blinking confusedly): Am I what?

Vicki: Are you Batman?

Bruce (starting to smile): Me? Batman? Why would you even think I was?

Vicki: Well, there’s the fact that he’s utterly dedicated to Gotham, like you. Plus with all those gadgets he’s known to have, it’s clear he’d have to be someone very wealthy, like you. And you and he have never been seen together—it seems whenever Batman appears, Bruce Wayne is unaccounted for.

Bruce (frowning): Well, to answer your arguments in order: I’m glad Batman is dedicated to Gotham, but I do wish he didn’t have to be quite so violent in his, ah, dedication. As for funding, I suppose it would take a lot of money to outfit a vigilante like that, so I see why you would think that. But our auditors would tell you, the funds Wayne Enterprises possesses either go back into the company and its employees or to projects organized and/or vetted by the Wayne Foundation.

Vicki: And as for your mysterious disappearances whenever the Dark Knight shows up?

Bruce (frowning): When did I do that?

Vicki: How about one of the very first appearances of the Bat? You had a fund-raiser for Harvey Dent’s campaign as district attorney, and the Joker decided to hold everyone hostage. Batman showed up and saved the day.

Bruce: Huh. I kinda remember that. Alfred—my butler, who raised me, you know?—made me go into a safe room. I didn’t even know why until later when he pulled me out.

Vicki: Okay, how about something more recent? The Winter Gala for the Wayne Foundation’s Youth Rehabilitation and Development Program? Another event taken hostage by the Joker. You, the host, were nowhere to be found when Batman came in to knock out the Joker and his clowns.

Bruce (looking adorably lost): Oh, ah. I… I actually can’t say where I was then.

Vicki (triumphant): Oh? Could you have been decked out in an armored suit, saving us all?

Bruce (smiling): Now, Vicki, if that was what I was doing, I wouldn’t be all that shy about it.

Vicki (with a sharklike smile): So where were you?

Tim (off-camera, clearing his throat): Uh, Ms. Vale?

Vicki (attention shifting, looking surprised but also delighted): And here with us is Bruce’s adopted son, Timothy Drake-Wayne.

Tim (coming onset, frowning): Bruce doesn’t like people applying the label of “adopted” child with regard to my siblings and myself, Ms. Vale.

Bruce (also frowning): No, I don’t. I love my children equally, no matter who their biological parents were or are. My children are my children. No need to distinguish between who’s adopted and who’s not.

Tim: Aww, I love you too, Bruce.

Bruce (blushing and beaming mightily): Come here, Tim. 

**_[Tim comes over to the couch. They hug. There’s an audible _awww_ from the crowd. Vicki Vale’s pupils are practically heartshaped.]_**

Tim (pulling away to look at Vicki): Anyway, I just wanted to say, the thing Bruce isn’t saying about the Winter Gala is that I kind of freaked out when the Joker came in.

Vicki (concerned): Oh?

Tim (embarrassed): Yeah. I… uh… I had been kidnapped for ransom by some of his thugs just before Thanksgiving, and them coming in sent me into a flashback, complete with a panic attack. Bruce helped me calm down and stayed with me, then afterward we called my therapist. He probably didn’t wanna bring it up so I wouldn’t be embarrassed.

Bruce: Tim, son, there’s nothing to be ashamed about—

Tim: I know, Bruce, but these people are saying you’re Batman, for crying out loud.

Vicki: So your alibi for not being Batman is that you were too busy being a good dad?

Bruce (bashful): I wouldn’t put it that way. But much as I would like to say I was being a superhero and saved the day...

Vicki (turning to the crowd): Well, it sure sounded like that to me. What do you think, ladies? 

The audience cheers.

Vicki: Well, I think that’s all we have time for tonight. Thank you so much for coming, Bruce, and thank you for everything you’re doing for Gotham and for your very adorable boys—

Bruce (smiling): And girl. I have a daughter now.

Vicki: Of course! Who could forget the lovely Cassandra? Well, if there’s a vote going around for dad of the year, you get mine! Even if you aren’t Batman after all. Thanks for joining me tonight, folks! This is the Very Late Show, and I’m Vicki Vale. Bruce Wayne, everybody, and Timothy Drake-Wayne!

**_[Video fades out to sound of applause.]_**

* * *

Bat Watch✔  
@BatWatch

It’s official! #VeryLateShow starring @VickiVale confirms #BruceWayneIsNotBatman. Why? Because he’s busy being a dad to his, like, million kids! gcn.com/the-late-show-...

❤ 74K 7:41 AM • April 18

123K people are talking about this

Wayne Watch✔  
@WayneWatch

Loved the interview on the @VeryLateShow! @VickiVale watching @BruceWayne and @TimDrakeWayne hugging is like ALL of Gotham right now. #BruceWayneIsNotBatman #BruceWayneIsTheBestDad

❤ 179K 8:19 AM • April 18

328K people are talking about this

The Biggest Wayne Fam Fan Girl  
@Wayners4Life

replying to  @WayneWatch

Right? They be like:  
VV: So are you Batman?  
BW: Sorry I’m too busy dadding  
TDW: I love my dad  
#BruceWayneIsNotBatman #BruceWayneIsTheBestDad  


❤ 903 8:27 AM • April 18

1.6K people are talking about this

Jenny from the Narrows  
@BatFan91

replying to @Wayners4Life and @WayneWatch

Although is anyone else really sad that it’s now confirmed that #Batman isn’t @BruceWayne? DGMW I love that the reason is cause he’s busy being a dad, and I guess CEOing takes a lot of time, but I’m sad that Gotham’s Prince isn’t also our Dark Knight. #BruceWayneIsNotBatman  


❤ 408 8:31 AM • April 18

989 people are talking about this

Bryce Wannabe Wayne  
@GothamBoi

replying to @BatFan91@Wayners4Life and @WayneWatch

But did he really deny it? He never actually comes out and says “No, I’m not Batman.” #BruceWayneIsNotBatman  


❤ 693 8:33 AM • April 18

1.3K people are talking about this

Jenny from the Narrows  
@BatFan91

replying to @GothamBoi @Wayners4Life and @WayneWatch

Look, #BruceWayneIsBatman was a pet theory of mine too, but both @BruceWayne and @TimDrakeWayne, who actually runs @BatWatch, have said it isn’t so. Admit defeat #BruceWayneIsNotBatman  


❤ 629 8:42 AM • April 18

1.1K people are talking about this

Bryce Wannabe Wayne  
@GothamBoi

replying to @BatFan91@Wayners4Life and @WayneWatch

Just saying I won’t believe #BruceWayneIsNotBatman til one thing is finally proven: #DoTheButtsMatch  


❤ 1.8K 8:45 AM • April 18

3.9K people are talking about this

Tim Drake-Wayne✔  
@TimDWayne

replying to  @GothamBoi @BatFan912 others

TBH I was kind of sad @VickiVale didn’t ask @BruceWayne to prove #BruceWayneIsNotBatman by asking finally proven: #DoTheButtsMatch  


❤ 64K 10:52 AM • April 18

130K people are talking about this

Bryce Wannabe Wayne  
@GothamBoi

Holy smokes, Batman! Did @TimDrakeWayne really just reply to my tweet? What’s next? Will @BruceWayne adopt me as his 327th child?

Tim Drake-Wayne✔ @TimDWayne

TBH I was kind of sad @VickiVale didn’t ask @BruceWayne to prove #BruceWayneIsNotBatman by asking finally proven: #DoTheButtsMatch

❤ 910 10:56 AM • April 18

2.3K people are talking about this

Tim Drake-Wayne✔  
@TimDWayne

replying to  @GothamBoi

Dude, you can ask @BruceWayne? I like literally knocked on the door and was like “Please be my family.” No, wait, don’t do that. People will think they can actually just show up and Alfred will kill me or take away my coffee  


❤ 78K 11:18 AM • April 18

142K people are talking about this

Bruce Wayne✔  
@BruceWayne

replying to  @GothamBoi

Legally I only actually have 5 children at this time, so were I to adopt you, you would be the 6th. However, I hope that you were teasing and that you have a loving family who appreciates you for who you are and all you do  


❤ 137K 2:58 PM • April 18

419K people are talking about this

Bryce Wannabe Wayne  
@GothamBoi

Guys, I’s ded. D-E-D ded.

Bruce Wayne✔ @BruceWayne

Legally I only actually have 5 children at this time, so were I to adopt you, you would be the 6th. However, I hope that you were teasing and that you have a loving family who appreciates you for who you are and all you do 

❤ 2.8K 3:09 PM • April 18

6K people are talking about this

* * *

  
# general  
  


Jason  
I think I woke up in an alternate universe. #BruceWayneIsTheBestDad is trending on Twitter

* * *

Dick  
Aww, did you see the interview though? It was really sweet 

* * *

Cass  
Very 

* * *

Dick  
Well, Bruce and I have had our problems, but nobody’s going to say he’s the WORST dad, now is he? 

* * *

Tim  
~~Except maybe Jason~~

* * *

Jason  
Shut up, Replacement  
Like Jon Snow, you know nothing  
And fine, the old man isn’t the WORST dad  
Still  
The okayest at best

* * *

Tim  
Whatever  
Anyway, what was I supposed to do? Say, “Yes, Vicki, Bruce is Batman and BTW I’m Red Robin”? 

* * *

Damian  
Your unnecessarily sentimental display made you look like a weak idiot, Drake  
However, it was a satisfactory distraction from Father’s identity 

* * *

Dick  
Hey now, Dami, what did we say about criticizing mental health issues? 

* * *

Babs  
Even ones Tim made up to save Bruce from being outed as Batman 

* * *

Damian  
Tt  
Fine.  
It was an acceptable performance, Drake

* * *

Tim  
Whatever, demon spawn  
Of course, now Cat Grant wants Bruce on her show  
I’m pretty sure she’s gonna ask the butt question

* * *

Jason  
Do the butts match? Dude that meme was old when ***I*** was Robin

* * *

Steph  
It’s still hilarious, though!  
Especially the GIFs people come up with  
@Tim please post a BatButt pic on the BatWatch blog someday soon

* * *

Tim  
Yeah, not happening  
Bruce would like unadopt me or something

* * *

Jason  
Yeah, like THAT’ll happen

* * *

Damian  
That would not be an unacceptable outcome

* * *

Dick  
Hey, play nice, guys! 

* * *

Steph  
Also! Focus! We need more #DoTheButtsMatch content!

* * *

Dick  
I swear, it keeps making the rounds  
They do it to Nightwing even more than Batman now too  
https://tenor.com/view/why-conan-gif-9806790  
  
It's a pain in my—haha—ass

* * *

Babs  
That’s a different tune you’re singing, Dickiebird  
I remember when you wouldn’t shut up about it 

* * *

Dick  
Yeah, that was before people started chasing me to get pics of my ass  
I feel so objectified

* * *

Steph  
Women everywhere welcome you to the club

* * *

Tim  
You guys! I’m actually worried  
I mentioned it to Bruce this afternoon, and he SMILED  
I legit feared for my life for a second there  
Or the continued existence of the human race

* * *

Damian  
Drake, must you be so overdramatic

* * *

Tim  
I’m not kidding. It was creepy AF

* * *

Jason  
Was he wearing his suit?  
Cause I’d hate to agree with the Replacement, but VALID

* * *

Dick  
Maybe he was… uh… getting in character? 

* * *

Cass  
B thinks it’s funny 

* * *

Jason  
Now you’re going to tell me the old man has a sense of humor

* * *

Cass  
B is very funny 

* * *

Steph  
I swear, only you would think that, babe

* * *

Tim  
So can one or more of you come with us tomorrow?  
I’m now officially afraid of what he’s gonna do

* * *

Dick  
I’d love to, but sorry, no can do, Timmyboy  
I’m on Dami-watch and we’ve got patrol since you and B will be busy  
LOL and now I know why  
https://tenor.com/view/late-night-seth-lnsm-lnsmgifs-seth-meyers-best-of-luck-gif-9198223  
  


* * *

Damian  
I do not require someone to WATCH me, Grayson  
However, I will patrol with you to make sure you do not take unnecessary injury

* * *

Dick  
Aww, thanks Dami, I love you too! 

* * *

Damian  
Tt

* * *

Tim  
Anyone else?

* * *

Jason  
There is no amount you could pay me to go, Replacement

* * *

Babs  
Sorry, Timmy, I’m on comms tonight

* * *

Steph  
Naw, I’m gonna watch on the big screen with Alfie and a tub of popcorn  
You know, so I can laugh my ass off in comfort

* * *

Jason  
Oh snap!  
That's genius  
I'm skipping patrol tonight to join blondie and Alfred

* * *

Dick  
We’ll try and finish early later so we can join you

* * *

Steph  
Dude! It's so on!

* * *

Jason  
Hell yeah

* * *

Cass  
Happy to go 

* * *

Tim  
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Cass! I love you so much  
As for the rest of you… God you guys are assholes (except Babs)  
Cass is the only Wayne sibling worth knowing

* * *

Cass  
Love you too 

* * *

* * *

  
# founders  
  


GreenArrow  
JFC  
Batman’s plan to keep his secret identity secret is just… denial?  
All he has to do is tell people he’s not Batman and the whole effing city believes him!?!?

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Gotham’s screwy like that, man  
You should know this by now

* * *

Flash  
Also, Batman’s, like, method, so it’s really, really convincing  
Like uncanny valley levels of convincing that he’s not who he is  
I could tell people I know and they wouldn’t believe me  
I would never have realized if we hadn’t shared our identities during the Thanagarian invasion

* * *

GreenLantern_J  
You mean that time Batman outed everyone else like a smug bastard?

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Gotta give it to the guy though  
I never would’ve thought Brucie Wayne was Mr. Tall, Dark and Spooky himself  
I mean, seriously? Gotham thinks he farts rainbows and secretly he’s an edgelord?

* * *

WonderWoman  
Why? What has happened?

* * *

Flash  
You gotta watch this interview Batman did last night, Wondy!

* * *

WonderWoman  
Oh? What about?

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Spooky did a TV interview and the host asked if he was Batman

* * *

MartianManhunter  
I too would like to watch this interview  
Batman’s opinions are always worthy of note, whatever the subject may be

* * *

Aquaman  
Yeah, what’d I miss?

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Hold on I’ll get you guys the link

* * *

Flash  
gcn.com/the-late-show-vv/20200425-Bruce-Wayne/

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Way to upstage me, Bar

* * *

Flash  
Faster fingers Speed force typing, yush!

* * *

WonderWoman  
Oh my! That was certainly interesting

* * *

Hawkgirl  
Oh gods haha I can’t believe that worked

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
I’m telling ya. Gotham. There’s something in the water

* * *

GreenArrow  
I facepalmed so hard I think I gave myself a black eye

* * *

Superman  
You might want to check out the Cat Grant Show tonight  
It is a masterclass in denying your secret identity  
I was there during the taping and… I don’t know  
I’m still not sure I didn’t get bombed with Joker gas

* * *

GreenArrow  
Dude, don’t even joke about that stuff  
But…  
Good God, there’s more?

* * *

Superman  


* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Oh shit Mr. Reporter just used a smiley

* * *

GreenArrow  
Do I want to watch tonight or do I want to run screaming?

* * *

Superman  
One word… well, one hashtag. #DoTheButtsMatch

* * *

GreenArrow  
!!!

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
NO

* * *

GreenArrow  
HOLYYYY SHEE-ITTTT  
You better not be shitting me, Blue

* * *

WonderWoman  
I do not understand.

* * *

Flash  
[knowyourmeme.com/photos/1805308-batman](knowyourmeme.com/photos/1805308-batman)

* * *

Aquaman  
Hahaha! That is DOPE

* * *

Flash  
I can’t believe you guys don’t know this

* * *

Aquaman  
I spend most of my time underwater  
Funny story: we don’t have social media in the ocean

* * *

Superman  
Also, I just want to say, Bruce puts a lot of work into maintaining his secret

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Dude if you kissed Spooky’s ass any more, you’d be rimming him

* * *

Batman  
Language, Lantern  
Superman, Lantern, Arrow—no personal names on League chat

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Killjoy

* * *

Batman  
Everyone, please avoid discussing non-work-related matters  
This chat is for official Justice League business only

* * *

Aquaman  
Dude. Bat. Lighten up.  
Apparently you’re gonna show the world the butts don’t match  
… Even if they do  
But don’t tell my wife I checked

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
To be fair, it’s a superior ass  
Almost as toned as mine, almost as bubbly as Supes’  
I’m just amazed he said “please”  
Although, yeah, yank the stick out of your ass, Spooky  
(So Supes can have a go at it)

* * *

Superman  
Hal!

* * *

→ _Batman has removed GreenLantern_H from this chat group._

* * *

* * *

Cat Grant✔  
@CatGrant

Tonight on #CatGrantShow: @BruceWayne proves definitively that #BruceWayneIsNotBatman Hint: #DoTheButtsMatch

❤ 356K 7:35 AM • April 18

572K people are talking about this

* * *

**_[Video starts, a clip from The Cat Grant Show.]_**

Cat: This Gotham native is best known for being CEO of Wayne Enterprises and President of the Wayne Foundation. His charitable efforts have changed the face of Gotham for the better, so much so that people have spent years speculating he’s the man behind Batman’s mask. Let’s bring out tonight’s special guest, Bruce Wayne!

**_[Applause. A door slides open revealing Bruce Wayne, who grins a little goofily and waves at the crowd as he steps forward. He kisses Cat’s cheeks and gives her a hug, which leaves her blushing, before they sit down.]_**

Cat: Thank you so much for being here, Bruce.

Bruce: Thank you for having me! 

Cat: So let’s jump right into things. You’ve already answered this in another interview, but this time I want an answer: Are you Batman?

Bruce (laughs): Ms. Grant—

Cat: Cat.

Bruce: Cat, do I really seem like a guy who might be Batman?

Cat: Well, you seem enough like one that rumors have persisted for over a decade.

Bruce (shaking his head and smiling bemusedly): When would I even have the time? I could show you what my daily itinerary looks like, and that’s not when there’s a big project in the works for the company or the Foundation. If I had to dress up in a costume and flit about the rooftops beating up on criminals every night, I would have precious little time to sleep or spend with my family!

Cat: I wouldn’t say Batman “flits about the rooftops” exactly. 

Bruce: Stomps then. (Laughs)

Cat: So just to be clear, there isn’t some kind of secret, secure space in Wayne Manor that houses all your high-tech crime-fighting equipment? A… Bat Cave, if you will?

Bruce (laughing): Well, there’s definitely a Man Cave! And there are a few secret rooms and passageways in the house—if you’ll recall your history, the Manor dates back to the Civil War years, and it actually served as a safehouse and one of the stops on the Underground Railroad. 

Cat: Wow, you know a lot about your home’s history.

Bruce: Yes, my parents insisted upon it before they… passed. Family history made up much of my bedtime stories, as it happened. They felt it’s important to know where we came from, the better to understand where we needed to go. I’ve shared the Manor history with my kids as well. 

Cat: That’s amazing. I do remember that bit about the Underground Railroad. I took one of the tours of Wayne Manor… I’m not sure how long ago. It was shortly after you returned from your travels abroad.

Bruce: Did you? (laughs) I don’t suppose you were the one who took the silver candlesticks my butler still never has let me hear the end of?

Cat: If I did, I’m never telling. (Laughs) But no, I’m not. Still, speaking of your travels abroad, that’s actually part of the reason people think you’re Batman. You could’ve spent all that time training to be a ninja!

Bruce (laughs): Well, I did spend some time in Japan. And I actually did study some martial arts, although my teachers decided I was hopeless.

**_[Bruce stands up and does a patently fake martial arts pose, hands and one leg up in a goofy crane-like position, then yowls like a cat, to the laughter of the audience.]_**

Cat (laughing): Yes, I can see how you would strike fear into the hearts of evildoers everywhere.

Bruce (seemily serious): Thank you.

Cat: So what exactly were you doing all those years abroad?

Bruce: Traveling, learning, seeing the world. 

Cat: But no one has ever been able to say, “Yeah, I hung out with Bruce Wayne when he was traveling around the world.”

Bruce: Well, that’s because I didn’t travel as Bruce Wayne. I wanted to get to know the world without the… ah....

Cat: Silver spoon?

Bruce (smiles sheepishly): Yes, exactly. So I ended up spending some time in a Tibetan monastery, but also a lot of time working temporary jobs, having to earn my supper.

Cat: So you… what? Meditated and flipped burgers?

Bruce: Well, I wasn’t so good at the meditating thing. I honestly think I mostly just learned to fall asleep while sitting up. And most of my travels were through Asia and Europe, so I didn’t so much flip burgers as sometimes handle a wok? Anyway, I can still manage a perfect Lotus position, as long as you don’t expect me to stay awake in it for very long. And I make a mean fried rice, if I do say so myself. 

Cat (coquettishly): I’d love to try it some time!

Bruce (laughing): Sure! Just let me know. I don’t really get to cook much ‘cause other than fried rice I’m a disaster in the kitchen, and there are other members of the family who are much better at culinary arts—my son Jason’s souffles are divine!

Cat: So you schlepped around Asia and Europe, and then what? You just decided to come home to be the last scion of the Wayne dynasty again one day?

Bruce: That sounds way cooler than “My butler told me enough was enough and came to fetch me,” so let’s go with that. So I came home and settled down into the Manor, with its assortment of secret passages that are mostly now blockaded for safety reasons.

Cat: Did anyone ever get hurt in the passages?

Bruce: Hurt, no, but I remember Alfred—that’s my butler and guardian—saying one or two of the people of the tours had gotten lost at some point or other.

Cat: But you stopped allowing the tours a while back.

Bruce: Yes, well, I had fewer kids when they were allowed. Like, none even. After I became guardian to my son Dick, we decided to stop the tours to protect his privacy. As the family grew, this became more and more important, that the kids have a space where they don’t have to worry about being in the public eye.

Cat: Awww, that’s a great reason! (Turns to audience.) Don’t you think that’s such a great dad thing to do? (Beams at applause.) Now I can’t even be grumpy about the fact that I can no longer go snooping around Wayne Manor for the price of a tour ticket. (Laughs.) But, hey, your kids are here with you today.

Bruce: Yes, they are. Well, two of them. I didn’t want to bring the whole brood or someone would be gnawing on the furniture before long.

Cat (laughing): They’re not that bad, surely!

Bruce: It’s a challenge keeping them fed, and I’m _literally_ a billionaire.

Cat: So which ones are here today?

Bruce: Tim and Cass.

Cat: Why only them?

Bruce: Two others were busy with work or school, one would prefer to pretend I didn’t embarrass him by breathing, and the rest just laughed when I asked.

Cat (counting off her fingers and frowning): Bruce… Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but you only have five kids.

Bruce: Yes, I have five children.

Cat: So there’s Tim and Cass, two who are busy—I guess that’s Dick and Damian—and Jason has been public enough about his reaction to some of your recent TV appearances. So who are the rest?

Bruce (blushing): Oh, well, my kids… uh… they have friends who stay over a lot. I guess I just kinda get used to having a gaggle of young people in the house. 

Cat: So we’re not seeing any more adoptions in your future.

Bruce: Um. Well, I wouldn’t say _no_ , you know. But these kids have parents who love them. I’m just happy they want to hang out with my brood.

Cat: Well, speaking of kids! Can we bring Tim and Cass out here?

**_[Music plays, and the door slides open again to reveal Tim and Cass.]_**

Cat: Timothy Drake-Wayne and Cassandra Cain-Wayne, everybody!

**_[Tim and Cass smile and wave at the audience. Cass skips over to the couch and jumps into Bruce’s arms for a hug-attack. Audible female_ awws _can be heard. Tim eases onto the couch beside Bruce as well, and Bruce ruffles his hair.]_**

Cat: So what brings you here today?

Cass: Jason wouldn’t come.

Tim (smiling): She means that Jason was pretty sure Bruce would do something to make us all regret agreeing to our adoptions. And he was right! (Turns to Bruce.) Bruce, never, EVER do that lame martial arts thing ever again. You’re an insult to the sport.

Bruce (smiling fondly): Are you sure? I could—

Cass: Very sure.

Bruce (sadly): But I could—

Tim: No. Find some dignity, Dad.

Bruce: But what if I were to—

Cass (placing a finger on Bruce’s lips): No. Think of what Alfred would say.

Bruce (deflating visibly): All right, all right.

Cat: Well, the night is young! And I have a surprise for everyone!

Tim (wary): We’re gonna regret this, aren’t we?

Bruce (looking delighted): I love surprises!

Cat (smiling like, well, the cat that got the cream): Then you’ll love this one! Now, you guys may be familiar with the theory that people could prove Bruce Wayne was Batman if only they could find photographic evidence that “the butts match.” The hashtag #DoTheButtsMatch first trended about ten years ago, and while it’s not the oldest meme in existence, it’s certainly got a level of tenacity second only, perhaps, to RickRolling.

Bruce (laughing): Oh gosh, that was hilarious! I love that! And I read that they do it to Nightwing and Dick even more than Batman and me now!

**_[Tim leans over and whispers something in Bruce’s ear that turns the billionaire’s face instantly bland. Human ears can’t hear it, but certain Kryptonian ears in the tech booth pick up on the words “Dick is sooo going to kill you.”]_**

Cat: Yes, yes, they do! And it’s been done to almost all of the members of the Bat Clan, I believe they’re called. With much of your own family held in comparison. I know many people speculate your son and the first ward you took in, Dick Grayson, is actually the first Robin, who is now Nightwing.

Bruce: Yes, I’ve heard that! Dick’s a police officer, you know, so we find it kind of funny that people think he spends his days fighting crime in a uniform, only to come home, dress up in some kind of body suit, and then spend his nights fighting crime in a costume. (Shakes his head.) Now people say that Tim here is Red Robin. Because he has so much time to go off vigilanteing—

Tim: That’s not even a word, Bruce.

Bruce: I can say “vigilanteing” if I want. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. It’s simply ridiculous to think that Tim, apart from being a full-time college student and interning with Lucius Fox at Wayne Enterprises, has spare time for vigilanteing. I promise you, Cat, I and my family do enjoy sleeping _sometimes_ , even if photos on Instagram might convince you we all have coffee flowing through our veins.

Cat (laughing): Well, you make a convincing argument. But still, tonight, we’ve offered you the chance to prove that the butts do not, after all, match!

Bruce (looking like Christmas has come early): Don’t tell me you have Batman backstage too, so you can compare our tushies!

Cat: I _wish_ I could get Batman as a guest on this show. But alas, until the Dark Knight consents to an interview, I’ll have to settle for the next best thing: a replica Batsuit in your size!

Bruce (frowning): What’ll that do?

Cat: Well, you can show the world your butt doesn’t fill that suit the same way Batman’s does.

Bruce (dubiously, while Tim and Cass are frowning): Well, don’t know. But I’m willing to try!

Cat: And there you have it! We’ll let you go backstage to change, and ask our viewers to keep their hands off their remotes because we’ll be right back after the commercial break!

**_[Video fades out, then fades back in with applause.]_**

Cat: And now, ladies and gentlemen! Do the butts match? See for yourself if the Prince of Gotham’s butt matches the Dark Knight’s! In costume, I present to you—Bruce Wayne!

**_[Loud music starts playing. The doors slide open. Someone who looks an awful lot like Batman is standing with arms akimbo. And then that frown turns upside down and Bruce Wayne’s signature sheepish smile is seen, and he waves to the audience like a beauty queen, then rocks on his heels while swishing the cape, like a little girl playing princess. Everyone starts chanting.]_**

Audience: Show that butt! Show that butt!

Cat: Show us that butt, Bruce!

Tim: Oh God, it’s a nightmare.

Bruce (fake-growling, but it sounds more like a puppy or kitten growl than Batman’s growl): I am vengeance! I am the night! I am Batman!

**_[And then. Bruce starts twerking to the music. He sweeps away the dark cape to show off his bubble butt as he does, grinning all the while. The audience hoots and whistles. Cat cheers. Cass has her hands covering her eyes, her face. Tim just facepalms and squeezes his eyes shut while massaging his temples like he’s got a migraine._**

**_Bruce, still dancing, moseys over to the couch and tries to get his kids to dance with him, but they refuse. He keeps trying. Tim stands his ground and looks pissed. Cass eventually laughs, jumps up, and starts dancing with him, to everyone’s delight. They sync up and start dancing moves like disco’s made a comeback, which the crowd holler louder, and Tim groans and buries his head in his hands, shaking it._**

**_Cat joins in their dance fest, and Bruce takes off the cowl as he dances. He’s got the cape swept over his arm like a princess’s train.]_**

Bruce (still grinning): Wow, this suit is really hot! I wonder how Batman manages in summer. He must be the stinkiest hero on the Justice League, unless he’s got super deodorant powers.

Cat (shouting): So we’re about out of time. One more time, can you show us again how well the butts match?

**_[Bruce turns around and shakes that booty. Cass laughs and shows off some of her street dancing moves.]_**

Cat (shouting): And that’s all for tonight! Thanks for tuning in, and to my guests Bruce Wayne, Cassandra Cain-Wayne, and Timothy Drake-Wayne! This is the Cat Grant Show, and I’m your host, Cat Grant! Good night, everybody! Now let’s get dancing!

**_[She continues dancing, and the camera pans to the audience to show everyone in the studio, even the techs and camera man, are dancing. The only one not dancing is Tim Drake-Wayne.]_**

* * *

Wayne Watch✔  
@WayneWatch

ICYMI, @BruceWayne twerks to prove #BruceWayneIsNotBatman and #TheButtsDontMatch: thedailyplanet.com/c...

❤ 373K 11:23 PM • April 19

796K people are talking about this

Wayne Watch✔  
@WayneWatch

replying to  @WayneWatch

Also, thank you @CatGrant, for this gem of an interview. We didn’t know we needed it in our lives until you gave it to us. #BruceWayneIsNotBatman #DancingBatman  


❤ 178 11:39 PM • April 19

340K people are talking about this

The Biggest Wayne Fam Fan Girl  
@Wayners4Life

replying to  @WayneWatch

Okay, but how cute were Bruce and Cass dancing, though? And @BruceWayne is obviously royalty 2x over: Prince of Gotham and King of #DadDance #DancingBatman  


❤ 346 12:10 AM • April 20

778 people are talking about this

The Biggest Wayne Fam Fan Girl  
@Wayners4Life

replying to  @WayneWatch

Although, even though #TheButtsDontMatch I didn’t mind seeing that butt in that suit. Yay for spandex, or kevlar, or whatever that is, am I right or am I right?  


❤ 274 12:13 AM • April 20

398 people are talking about this

Bryce Wannabe Wayne  
@GothamBoi

replying to @WayneWatch

Tim Drake’s facepalm then with his head in his hands is every kid with a dad who only thinks he’s cool #DadDance #DancingBatman  


❤ 721 6:23 AM • April 20

2.9K people are talking about this

Jenny from the Narrows  
@BatFan91

replying to @WayneWatch

Okay, so from #DancingBatman I think we can all say conclusively that #BruceWayneIsNotBatman. But can you imagine if he WAS? Maybe he’d smile nicely at the villains and tell them to stop being so mean. Or give them money for therapy. Or hugs.  


❤ 324 9:31 AM • April 20

887 people are talking about this

* * *

  
# general  
  


Jason  
...

* * *

Dick  
...

* * *

Damian  
...

* * *

Babs  
...

* * *

Steph  
OHHHMIGOD  
If there aren’t like 15 memes from this tomorrow morning, MINIMUM  
we will have failed this city  
https://tenor.com/view/elmo-fire-burn-gif-5103666  
  


* * *

Cass  
I had fun

* * *

Tim  
I need a drink  
Or valium  
And a shitload of therapy

* * *

* * *

  
# founders  
  


→ _Flash has added GreenLantern_H to this chat group._

* * *

Flash  
Guys… I’m.... just going to leave this here  
thedailyplanet.com/cat-grant-show/20200427-Bruce-Wayne-Batman

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
...

* * *

GreenArrow  
!!!

* * *

Aquaman  
...

* * *

GreenLantern_J  
What the...

* * *

Hawkgirl  
...

* * *

GreenArrow  
What the everlasting fuck  
Is what you meant to say, J

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Oa’s hairy Guardian balls! What did I just watch?

* * *

WonderWoman  
Oh my stars, that was wonderful!  
The dancing at the end made me wish to join them in revelry!

* * *

MartianManhunter  
Indeed. Batman showed great care for his family.  
He is a good father.  
Also, apparently, a dancer.

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Holy fucktards… Are you all completely missing the point?

* * *

WonderWoman  
What point is that, Green Lantern?

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Fuck all if anyone would think that was SPOOKY!  
He was smiling!  
He was dancing!  
He was TWERKING!

* * *

Superman  
I was THERE and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing  
If I had rubbed my eyes harder, I might have set them on fire

* * *

GreenArrow  
It’s horrifying… but also brilliant  
…  
Honestly, I think I’m actually kind of jealous

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
What? NO!

* * *

GreenArrow  
No, seriously. Hear me out

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
NO! Absolutely not!  
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaa  
I’m not listening!

* * *

WonderWoman  
Children. I work with children.

* * *

GreenArrow  
No one will ever believe Batman is Bruce Wayne now  
Anytime some troll on the internet even tries to suggest it, all they have to do is link  
https://tenor.com/view/batusi-batman-dancing-funny-gif-13437583  
  


* * *

Superman  
He’s right  
There is no Leaguer whose secret identity is safer than Batman’s after this

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Oh fuck me with a floppy disk construct

* * *

Batman  
Lantern. Language

* * *

GreenLantern_H  
Don’t even @ me right now, you bat fucking twerker

* * *

→ _Batman has removed GreenLantern_H from this chat group._

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> First off, thank you for reading all the way to the end! You may recognize the chat application used as Discord, but different (I don’t actually know what it looks like when someone removes someone else from a Discord server). I am sure any chat group the JL or Waynes would use would be a custom app, but I needed a group chat format with an existing workskin, so Discord it was.
> 
> Secondly, if you enjoyed this format, please check out the [gadaursan’s workskin and tutorial for embedding fake Tweets](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22517134/) in a fic and [Heterochromia_Mars’s Discord workskin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12142470) code guide.
> 
> Thirdly, and most importantly, thank you to my always-awesome beta readers and cheerleaders [Holdt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/holdt) and [serephent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/serephent). If you haven’t read their stuff, you’re missing out.
> 
> Finally, if the formatting/layout just messed with your ability to enjoy the content, please let me know this as well? So I know whether to proceed with more of these in this format, or just revert to images and text.


End file.
